Momma Had Homework

I apologize for neglecting each of you. I promise you, you've been in my heart. I'm on a journey right now. Filled with misadventures and crazy memories. The journey I'm on is philosophical in nature. I'm a student again, and boy is it interesting. I'll let you on to a little secret: I was scared to death to go back to school. Even though I've had a career, my brain has spent much of the last ten years in mommy mode. When you see a professor who has been teaching for a long time and is used to students that use big words all the time, it can be a bit intimidating.

My first week was spent cramming 6 chapters and a paper into 48 hours. Much of that time was spent stressing and pulling out my hair. Sadly, much of it was also spent making my family wish the crazy lady was still at work! I was unable to get into my class for a couple of days, and by the time I did, I was already behind. After a small nervous breakdown, I sent up a hurried prayer and invoked the powers of my phone's Kindle app. Within seconds I had the first book Whispersynced and in my hands. So glad I'm not a technophobe right now.

Although my routine has changed drastically over the last month, I am so happy and thankful for the changes. I feel alive and relevant. I know that I am in God's perfect will. Even though the immediate future is uncertain, I'm enjoying this ride. Living each day, in the words of Jill Scott, "like it's golden".

Image by Brenda Starr

Listening for His Voice

This morning I wandered into the bathroom to get my day started. While in there I heard the cries of our precious baby. She's crawling now, so she has free reign of pretty much everywhere. She whined, and I cooed reassurances to her from beyond the door. As I spoke, I could hear her shuffling closer to the direction that my voice was coming from.

When I emerged from the door, her face lit up into a huge smile. She then proceeded to grab my pant leg and lift herself up to a standing position. When I hoisted her up onto my hip, all was right in her world. Tears ceased, and we were on our way.

At this age, it doesn't take much to make her happy. But as she grows older, I know the mere sound of my voice will not be enough to make everything better. As she grows in age, I pray that she grows in wisdom. I pray that just as she has complete faith in me right now, she will learn to place her faith in the One who made her. I pray that she will listen to and follow His voice.

70 x 7, Say What?!

Inside my head, there is an ongoing struggle. The admonishment to forgive so that I may be forgiven seems logical yet virtually impossible in many situations. I also wrestle with the idea of forgiving repeatedly. What is it about forgiveness that makes my hair turn gray and my forehead wrinkle? Then again, I guess it isn't forgiveness itself that plagues me, it's the conditions that I have placed upon granting it.

Condition one: I only consider forgiveness when the person actually asks for it. I don't just go around granting it all willy nilly.

Condition two: I only forgive quickly if I believe there is a good chance the offending action will not be repeated regularly.

Matthew 6:14-15 says 14"If you forgive those who sin against you, your heavenly Father will forgive you. 15 But if you refuse to forgive others, your Father will not forgive your sins."

I have the most difficulty forgiving those closest to me, especially my spouse. Some of you can probably relate. The hurts are deeper since we care more. Bear with me, I'm working through this as I write. That's what I love about the Word. When I am going through something that I can't quite grasp, I find truth there.

Also, Matthew 18 provides valuable insight about forgiveness when Peter asks Jesus for an exact figure on forgiveness. Jesus' parable teaches us why we should forgive.

I need constant reminders of this right now. I'm holding grudges lately, and I'm not sure why. Call it "righteous indignation". These verses remind me that I must offer unlimited forgiveness since Christ has forgiven me. And since I can't afford to go through a life devoid of His forgiveness, I guess I have some forgiving to do. Looks like I don't have a choice. And after all I've been forgiven, I shouldn't want one. I feel humbled and ashamed.

If you have a forgiveness story or tips on forgiving, please comment. I love hearing from you.

Into the Unknown

You may have noticed that some of my posts have been talking about faith and trusting God. I've been giving myself little pep talks to encourage me to be obedient in the days to come. I've avoided talking about this for one main reason: pity. I don't want any.

I'm being downsized. As of Tuesday, I'm a stay at home mom by default. Our company decided to close the doors completely, one phase at a time, and we are the first to go. I've had many mixed emotions since I've been navigating through the last couple of months. From shock to anger to confusion and acceptance to excitement.

I've been wrestling with a growing discontented restlessness for a while now. Knowing that God had placed a purpose in my heart. One that needed to be fulfilled. As a full-time working wife and mother to three, free time was in short supply. After the birth of our third, I reduced my hours some in hopes of finding a little more balance. Still time was limited, and energy, with a baby who sleeps terribly was almost non-existent.

I've been taking baby steps. I've been praying for God to be crystal clear to me. So far He has been taking me out of my carefully protected comfort zone and leading me down a path that logic did not create. Yet, most of the time my soul is bathed in a peaceful balm. I'm excited to be more involved in my home and with my family. When I think too much about the loss of income, my focus shifts, and I can feel myself sinking under the waves of uncertainty.

In the days to come, I will refer often to this song by Britt Nicole. I pray it speaks to your heart the way it speaks to me.

Protesting Protesters

My commute this morning was very colorful. As I coasted down I85, my eyes were assaulted by a red pick-up encased in anti-abortion signs. That should have tipped me off to what was yet to come, but it didn't. As I got off on my exit, my stomach turned flips as my appetite disappeared. Protesters were lining the bridge; graphic poster boards in tow.

I was furious. "Jesus"was plastered on the backs of their matching t-shirts. I believe that abortion destroys babies. However, these protesters scared me. Their pictures were nauseating and extreme. I just kept thinking that the pro-life message is not being helped with this type of propaganda.

I was so thankful that my children were not in the car with me. It would have traumatized them terribly. I think I might have nightmares tonight. Their signs and shirts showed that they were a Christian organization that was "saving the world".

Abortion is a highly political topic that I prefer not to broach. But one way or another, this subject has pushed its way into my psyche this week. A woman who finds herself facing with an unplanned, unwanted pregnancy is in a very vulnerable place. She may be scared and confused and hopeless.

One thing we can all agree on (hopefully), is the mother and the baby need to be cared for. Both of their lives are important to God. Both are in need of saving. If we as Christians are willing to condemn a woman who considers abortion, then we should definitely be willing to offer more than prayers to the young woman who chooses to bring her child into the world, whether to parent or place for adoption. We should exude love and not condemnation.

Distinctly Impossible

Hebrews 11:6 tells us that without faith, it is impossible to please God. I looked at several translations of this verse, and all of the ones I browsed used the word impossible. The word choice struck me. I've tried many times without success to please God without faith. Oh, I say that I believe, but the worry lines and gray hair tell a different story.

But Hebrews gives me the vibe that trying to please God without wholly believing in all that He is and can do, is a big waste of time! Why would I try to please a man that I don't trust with my problems? How can I please a man that I don't believe will provide the money needed to cover our bills? When can I please this man that was big enough to create the whole world in 6 days and not big enough to keep my children healthy or strengthen my marriage?

Hebrews says, it is not possible. No chance. Do not pass go, do not collect $200. So, as I continue to pray about God's plan for this next stage of my life, I must have complete faith if I'm to have any chance at pleasing Him. Even though God has always proven faithful, I haven't. When I put Him inside of my tiny, compartmentalized box, He becomes inadequate. His timing becomes imperfect, and I become frazzled. But, in those times when I truly rest in Him, sleep comes easier.

Don't Worry, I Got This

“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world.” John 16:33

In this chapter Jesus is speaking to His disciples preparing them for His death and eventual return to heaven. This particular verse spoke to my heart this evening. It shows Jesus' compassion for His followers. He seemed to be sensitive to their concerns and gave then information and encouragement to prepare them for things to come.

In this chapter He told them that the Holy Spirit would be sent to comfort them after He was gone. He wanted them to have peace. He warned them of the troubles that they would face in this world. He assured them that they WILL have trouble. There was no question about that. But instead of leaving them in despair, He instructed them to "take heart". Be encouraged. Relax. "I got you." Why? " I have overcome the world." Not the town, or the village, not the city, not even the continent. THE WORLD!

When we experience troubles it is easy to think, why me? This verse reminds us that we WILL all have troubles. It's a promise. We should not really be surprised when having difficulties. The prudent thing to do is to remember that Jesus has overcome the whole world and the circumstances that we all face while in it. Allow His words to seep into your heart and marinate in your spirit. Let them saturate your mind and soothe your worries.